Summer of Horror
by Inudaughter Returns
Summary: It's the summer break after fifth grade. Arnold and Helga have been good friends and secret crushes for a year. Arnold thinks that the worst thing he has to deal with this summer is a month long visit to his cousin, Arnie. But Helga is being sent to summer boot camp with Sergeant Goose! When she plans her escape by tricking Arnie, Arnold's vacation turns into a summer of horror.
1. Chapter 1

Arnold Shortman didn't hate his cousin, Arnie. But just like toothpaste foam after he had spit, he recoiled from it. That hair. That snort. Those mismatched, blinking eyes. The way his cousin counted, yes counted things for fun and read the back of shampoo bottles. It was not that Arnold could blame him much. His cousin lived way out in the farm country and there wasn't that much to do there, he assumed.

Arnold supposed part of the reason he secretly detested Arnie so much was that his cousin made moves on all the girls he, himself, found romantic interest in. When Arnie had first come to visit, Arnold's past crush Lila fawned over him. But then Arnie had begun to shower his attention on Helga G. Pataki. It was a shocking revelation to Arnold that someone, anyone, including his dull and weird cousin, could pick Helga over someone as perfect as Lila. But then again, Lila wasn't nearly as intriguing. Helga was a thunderous fire that begged to be touched while Lila was cool as stone.

Arnold hadn't been bothered by Arnie's attentions to the girl at first. But things had changed since then. Both she and Arnold were older by one year and ever since that Tango, FTI, and Rhonda's marriage predictor, the two of them blushed and jointly changed the subject between them whenever things got mushy. Because romance was a sore, and taboo point between them. But neither could either of the two stand to distance themselves from the other for too long. So whenever Arnie did mention Helga, whom he all too greatly admired, Arnold grit his teeth and ground them. It had been all he could do to avoid punching his cousin when Arnie had come for a visit to Hillwood earlier that year. Yet, Helga wasn't going to be coming to the croplands, was she? She'd be safely in Hillwood! Maybe Arnold and Arnie would actually get along great during this visit! Or so Arnold hoped.

"Lint. Your cousin collects lint!" Gerald Johanssen voiced so loudly that everyone in the small corner store could hear him. With a horrified expression, Arnold shushed him.

"Please, Gerald, not so loud!" the golden haired boy pleaded placing his hand across Gerald's mouth. But Gerald's mother was working the cash register a few feet nearby and heard them.

"Oh, come on, honey, everybody already knows it's true!" said Mrs. Johanssen. Gerald shrugged. Arnold slapped himself in the face. There was no arguing with that one.

"Look here, Arnold!" Gerald explained with great importance. He dragged his finger along a store shelf loaded with magazines. "You'll be stuck out in a wilderness of corn with nothing but pigs and lint for ages! You need to bring yourself some entertainment! Here is your young men's magazine, the latest headlines, a magazine showin' the latest and most stylin' of tattoos, and look, there's even a little puzzle book for you'all to do in your spare time."

"Gerald!" Arnold voiced a complaint. "I'm ten. I'm not going to get a tattoo!" But the idea to buy some magazines wasn't a bad one. Arnold picked up a copy of "Weird Space" and flipped through its pages.

When Arnold packed his suitcase that night, he did place a stack of magazines on the bottom. Arnold also packed a yoyo and his second-best harmonica, because Gerald was right. Visiting Arnie was probably going to be anything but entertaining. Arnold sighed. He hoped he wouldn't have any nightmares tonight of his big, upcoming trip. Then he slowly walked downstairs to the kitchen.

"Hey, there, Grandpa," Arnold called softly. His grandpa was rummaging around for a bottle of ketchup. When he found it, he sat down.

"Dinner is soon, Arnold!" His grandpa said with a smile. "It's frankfurters tonight!"

"Great," said Arnold. While hot dogs weren't his favorite food to eat, they were decent.

It was an especially fortunate meal because his Grandmother couldn't possibly add strange ingredients to the meat, although sometimes she did offer some very unique toppings. Marshmallow and pineapple did not taste the same as mustard and relish.

"Ready for your big trip, tomorrow?"

"I guess so, Grandpa," Arnold replied dropping down into a kitchen chair. He boy leant heavily on his elbow. "My suitcase is packed, I've got the bus tickets on my desk and a little money…. Gerald even got me some magazines to read!"

"Oh! Did you get a puzzle book? I love the ones where you connect the dots to make a little animal!" said Phil tracing a finger through the air, pretending to do a puzzle.

"It's not that kind of puzzle book, Grandpa," Arnold said with a flat frown.

"Well cheer up, Arnold. It's only month with the little weirdo and then it's back to your ol' life again!"

"Why do I have to do this, Grandpa?" Arnold complained, raising his voice at last. The restrained calm he had been wearing broke as his face became more animated. He waved his hands across the table. "I mean why do I have to visit Arnie? Why does he have to visit me for so long?"

"Well, I guess it's because we're old, Shortman," said Grandpa with dull honesty. "In case something happens to us, you'd wind up living with Arnie as a sort of brother. His parents just want to make sure you two have that 'special family bond' because you two are the only ones you've got. The rest of us are all fossils."

"So in twenty years the only family I'll have left is Arnie?"

"Pretty much, Shortman." Arnold gasped and covered his eyes.

"I can't believe this is happening. What about Arnie's parents?"

"Hm. They're still around. Don't talk much… except about tractors. They had Arnine when they were in their fifties so they are pretty old themselves. But not as old as yours truly!" said Phil with a proud grin. He put his thumbs behind his suspender straps and snapped them proudly. "Cheer up, Shortman. Like I said, it's only a month."

"A very long month," said Arnold.

"Hm, can't argue with that," said Phil. But then they both heard Pookie's voice coming from the larger dining room.

"Dinner!" Arnold's Grandma yelled. "Pull up round the chuckwagon, y'all!" So Arnold pushed himself back from the smaller table, stood up, and went to go have dinner with his grandparents and all the boarders.

On the other side of the neighborhood, Helga G. Pataki was just sitting down for her meal. Big Bob Pataki was a big meat and potatoes man, and he had shopped accordingly. Today Helga's dinner plate was half filled with meat (fried chicken in a bucket and all the mashed potatoes and stuffing they could eat). It was one of the perks of being a Pataki. More often than not these days, they went out to a restaurant for their food or ordered in because Miriam, Helga's mother, was just so unreliable.

Helga took up another piece of chicken from the deep, red striped paper bucket and took a savage bite. Across the table, her father was chewing loudly and mowing down wing after wing, throwing the bones into a pile with a clatter. Then he picked up his spoon.

"Pass the stuffing!" he said without the word please. Helga slid him the bowl not by handing it, but by batting it across the table like a hockey puck. It was the usual order of things. When they finally ran out of food, Big Bob let out a wide belch.

"Now that was a good meal!" He said picking his teeth with his thumb for a moment. Then he checked to see if Miriam was awake. Miriam was, indeed, unusually aware today. She sat up straight in her chair with a disconnected expression.

"So Miriam," said Big Bob looking at his wife. "Did you tell Helga the big news?"

"News? What big news?" said Helga. She prayed it was not about a new sibling or moving. The anticipation of even a few moments nearly gave her a heart attack.

"Well, honey!" Miriam said with a modest smile. "Your father and I were talking about how you don't have many friends."

"I have lots of friends!" Helga disagreed soundly. But her mother's news continued on anyways.

"So we decided to sign you up for a summer camp! Isn't that exciting! Just you and lots of kids your age swimming and hiking and enjoying the outdoors! It starts tomorrow and runs for four weeks," Miriam finished lamely digging a spoon into her potatoes.

"Summer camp!" said Helga horrified. She had been planning to play as much baseball as possible with her friends this summer and slumber party with Phoebe. "Tell me you're joking!"

"We're not joking, Helga!" said her mother still with joy in her voice. "We wanted it to be a surprise!"

"Great Mom, just great," Helga muttered.

"So what camp did you sign me up for?" asked Helga. "Painting? Crafts?" She frowned as Big Bob handed her a flyer across the table.

"Extreme athletics camp with Sergeant Major Goose?!" Helga said crumpling up the flyer against her chest in horror.

"Mom! Dad! I can't go to this!"

"Of course you can!" said Bob. "You like sports."

But Sergeant Major Goose was the last teacher or camp administrator Helga ever wished to have. She and the rest of her fourth grade class had hated him when he had been assigned to them as a teacher. He was extremely inflexible and severe. After Helga had been put into a corner for snickering, she and the rest of her classmates had plotted to make him quit. They had asked him so may questions that he had gone out of his mind. After that, they were content to have Mr. Simmons for their instructor. Helga was not about to go to any military boot camp run by him! But what to do about it, she wondered?

The next day dawned, gruesome like the sunset before an execution. Helga stood in front of her bus stop, wearing her pink jacket and a bucket hat. In her hand was a small suitcase. Her parents stood nearby so there was no getting out of this, this time. Not right now anyway.

"Goodbye, dear!" said Miriam waving as Helga got aboard the bus with the other school children. Helga stared back at her parents looking rather unusually proud of themselves. They must really have thought they were doing her a favor! But she was especially determined not to go to Sergeant Goose's boot camp! As soon as she got on the bus, Helga watched through the window until her parents turned their backs. Then she snuck out the door between children and whipped around the other side of it. She had left her suitcase behind but in truth, she had little need of it. She had packed everything good in a different case she had hidden in Hillwood.

"Great!" Said Helga removing her hat and jamming it in her pocket. She began to crawl through the weeds on the other side of the parking lot. Crouching down, she waited behind a large shrub for the bus to leave.

Earlier this morning, Helga had postmarked a letter to the camp that she had fallen sick and so couldn't attend. She had poetically written that they should keep her parents money on credit instead of a refund so she could attend during their next session instead. The forgery was a work of art, in Helga's perception. She had mimicked her Dad's choppy writing so well that she had almost believed the artifice herself. Thinking back on her ploy, Helga gave out a cruel chuckle. She only hoped that it worked.

If things went poorly, Helga was in for a world of trouble. But desperation made her act, and so she ran down the street and dodged into a generous-sized alleyway not too far from her house. There, she pulled out her real suitcase stuffed full of snacks and clothes and toiletries. But she was, because of her recklessness, now up a creek without a paddle. How could she live for a full month on her own? Helga tapped a finger against her cheek. In her desperation, she had not planned that far ahead. Maybe she could crash at Phoebe's for a while.

But Helga's nerves were stirred up at the moment and so she felt the need to indulge in her dearest comfort, her friend and secret crush Arnold. So when the next local bus stopped at the corner, she took it to Vine Street and crawled up his fire escape. It was a familiar comfort to her just to crouch and stare down at the boy from afar, but when she peered down the glass, Helga was shocked to see a suitcase sitting on top of Arnold's bed. Then Arnold strolled into the room and picked up the phone by his couch and dialed a number. Helga was astonished when her cellphone rang just then. Helga picked it up and moved far away from the glass ceiling before answering.

"Hello, Arnold?" she said before slapping her head.

"How'd you know it's me?" Arnold asked.

"Just a lucky guess. Any reason you're calling me, Football-Head?"

"I just wanted to tell you I'm going to be gone for a month. Grandpa and Grandma are making me visit Arnie. You know, my cousin. So I'll be gone for a while. I just wanted you to know. Since we're friends and all."

"Sure we're friends, Arnoldo," Helga said. It was true. During the fourth grade they had frequently been in enmity with one another but in the fifth grade Helga sat behind Arnold and the two were practically inseparable. Phoebe, Gerald, and Arnold went lots of places together but even when one of the others dropped out, Helga was sure to still tag along beside Arnold.

"I'll bring you back a souvenir," said Arnold with sympathy for what Helga must be feeling. He had come to know her pretty well, so right now she was probably having an emotional moment. It was part of the reason he had waited till last minute to tell her. "Is there anything.. you know… you would like in particular?" Arnold asked nervously.

"Wha? I? You're going to Arnie's? For a month?" repeated Helga in a daze. "When?"

"My bus leaves in… forty-five minutes," said Arnold checking his watch. "I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. But I'll be back in a month!"

"Well it can't be helped, Arnoldo!" said Helga with a small huff. "What's done is done."

"Yes. Well, thanks for taking it so well, Helga. I really appreciate it," said Arnold rubbing the back of his neck. He had expected a tirade. But Helga was being unusually calm.

"No problem," said Helga hanging up the phone.

If Helga was less rude, she might have wished him to have a good time. But instead, the wheels in her head were turning. Perhaps she could sneak into Arnold's room as soon as he left and hide there. But then again, maybe, just maybe, she could manage something better. As Helga watched, Arnold picked up the phone again and dialed a new number.

"Hello, Arnie?" Arnold said with great hesitation. "It's me. Yes, my bus leaves in forty-five minutes. I'll see you soon." Arnold hung up the phone and grabbed hold of his suitcase by its handle. Then, with one last look around, he left his room. Helga pried open the glass hatch to his roof and shimmied down the wall-ladder beside his bed. Then she lept for the phone and pressed redial.

"Hey, Arnie?" said Helga with cunning desperation. "It's Helga. Helga Pataki. You know, the girl from P.S. 118?" Helga said trying to sound adorable. "Well, you know that barn dance you told me about last fall when you were in Hillwood? Well, I'd ever so like to see it," said Helga blinking her eyelids and doing an impersonation of Lila. "I'd like to see all the things you told me about so I'm accepting your invitation. I'm coming over for a visit. When? Oh, today! Arnold and I will be taking the same bus. Why didn't he say anything about it? Well, it's a surprise! Well, see you soon!" Helga threw the phone back on the cradle.

"Ha!" She laughed, then crawled back up to the roof top and down the fire escape. She crouched and listened stealthily as Arnold said his last goodbyes on his stoop.

"Bye Grandma. Bye Grandma. Bye, Abner!" said Arnold petting his favorite pig.

"Have a good time, Arnold! And remember, eat as much as you can! Maybe you'll grow a few inches."

"I'll do that," said Arnold giving Abner one last pat before pushing the pig inside and shutting the door. Now Arnold was alone on the empty street. He began walking toward his bus stop.

"Excellent!" said Helga cackling and rubbing her hands together. "Now all I've got to do is sneak aboard that bus!"

That was easier said than done. They would be riding for hours so Helga fished out her purse instead of stowing away and paid for her fare at the ticket counter. Then she entered the bus. Arnold was gazing out the window as usual, so he didn't notice when Helga dropped down to lay across the front seat of the bus. She had put her bucket hat back on, just in case her pink ribbon and blond hair gave her away.

"Eight hours away from Hillwood," Helga mumbled to herself. "Perfect!" Her plan was fragile, but somehow it was working out okay. Arnie adored her. As disgusting as she found the boy, he would be thrilled to have her around. But it was Arnold's reaction to her scheme that had Helga nervous.

"A whole month with my beloved!" said Helga taking out her locket from her dress front and sighing at the picture of Arnold fondly. "It is like a dream come true!"

 **So what do you think? Is this a keeper?**


	2. Chapter 2

Arnold looked out the bus window and watched as the fields rolled by. It was five hours till his destination yet, but already his legs were itching to move. Arnold slowly stretched his short legs as much as he was able, then flinched as a foot that fallen asleep was moved for the first time in ages. The unpleasant sensation sent a shock shooting throughout all his nerves. So for a moment, Arnold was as paralyzed as if he had stuck his finger into an electrical socket. The foolish expression on his face faded as the pain in his foot lessened and he was able to move it again, feeling the pins and needles.

"Ow!" Arnold muttered placing his feet on the floor and careful to not cross his feet again. He was bored, so he flipped open the two latches on his suitcases. He took out one of the magazines Gerald had bought him. Then he thumbed through the pages, wondering what article to read first. Opening a pack of grape flavored chewing gum, Arnold went back to reading his magazine.

The ride was almost peaceful. Except, as time passed, a knot formed in the pit of his stomach. Every mile forward was one more mile closer to Arnie and Arnold would be forced to stay there with his cousin for four whole weeks! Life seemed hardly fair.

As the bus got painfully close to the city where Arnie would meet him, Arnold dropped the magazine across his lap. He pressed his nose against the glass window to look for road signs. The mileage left to the city kept going down. Arnold's stomach lurched with nervous butterflies when the bus left the interstate for an exit ramp. Within minutes the bus rolled into Arnold's station.

"You! Kid in the back!" said the bus driver to Arnold since there was no one left on the bus but him and an old lady still sleeping. "Ya gotta get off!"

"I'm coming!" Arnold spoke as cheerfully as possible. He grabbed hold his suitcase handle to pick the case up. But somehow, the latches were not secured tightly and his clothes tumbled to the floor. Arnold shoved them into the case hastily, apologizing to the driver all the while. As he hopped down the steps the fuming driver slammed the bus door behind him, leaving Arnold all alone in the middle of an unknown place.

The bus station was almost deserted. There were dozens of yellow painted lines of parking spots along the fracturing blacktop. But the only vehicle at the entire station was a tractor green pickup truck. A fat, old man whose head was almost completely obscured by a ballcap pulled over his eyes stood beside the truck. At his side, lower down was Arnold's cousin Arnie with the usual frown on his face. Reluctantly, Arnold dragged his suitcase closer.

"Well, son," the taller man said below his cap. "Your guest is here."

"Yeah, pa. Thanks," said Arnie. "Come on, Arnold." Cousin Arnie walked Arnold around to the back of the pickup truck and lifted the suitcase into the back for him. Arnie then opened the door to the pickup truck.

"You coming?" Arnie uttered in his dull, monotone.

"Ah, yeah," said Arnold. Mounting the pickup truck was like mounting a horse. Arnold had to use his hands to pull himself up enough to get his feet inside the door. From there, Arnold lifted his eyes and almost fell out of the truck again. Helga was perched inside the cab in the middle seat. Arnold was shocked.

"Helga, what are you?" the boy began. But the girl in the pink dress clapped her hand across his mouth to shush him. Then she gave out a brief, nervous laugh.

Oh, Arnold!" she said with whimsy. "We rode the same bus! You know Arnie invited me, too! And I'm keeping the middle seat." Slowly, she lifted her hand from Arnold's mouth so he could speak again. His face turned into a giant frown.

"Arnie invited you?" Arnold repeated. His brow knotted in confusion, then moments after Arnold's face was clouded by another emotion. Jealously. Arnold heard a loud sniff behind him.

"Yeah. I invited her," came his cousin's dull monotone. His plain and boring face was now a touch even unfriendlier as his frown deepened. Against his better judgement, Arnold scowled himself. This was the boy who had no trouble stealing Lila's affections from him back when Arnold had still had a crush on Lila. Then, Arnie had the nerve to dump Lila for Helga! Helga had agreed to show the boy the local pizzaria to keep the boy from jumping right back into Lila's arms. But she had given Arnie the "it's over" clause immediately. Every time Arnie showed up it was the same. Arnie fawned after Helga, while Lila fawned after Arnie, and Arnold? He pulled his hair out as distance as his ugly cousin pulled his ladykiller moves.

It was an uncomfortable ride to Arnie's home. First, Arnold was upset. Second, the dirt road to Arnie's farm was full of potholes and ruts. Apparently, the pickup truck had broken shocks because Arnold felt every bump and jolt. The truck vibrated on the uneven surface of the road. Worse, because Arnold so was light, he was bounced up into the air slightly every time the car tire struck a very deep but thin pothole.

"Uh, this road is really rough," said Arnold stating the obvious as he kept his hands pressed against the dashboard to steady himself. The back of Helga's shoulder slammed hard against Arnold's, twice.

"Pa will drive real slow," said Arnie. This time, his monotone could imply that people who could not stand rough roads were babies although they did slow down a tiny bit. The horizon was flat and treeless, although there were a few cows standing on the road, moving their tails with an insistent swish. They took their sweet time moving. Soon after the sea of cows parted, Arnie's pa drove over a noisy cattle gate. This was a plate of metal that cows hated to walk across and Arnold could tell why. It sounded like the road would collapse under them. But at the other side of the gate was Arnie's farm. A stark white farmhouse, a barn, and a tractor all met Arnold's eye. Over by the barn he could see a hog pen and guessed that would be Arnie's pet pig, Abigail.

Arnie's father was even more wordless than his cousin. He opened the truck door, got up, and walked off to vanish without a trace. But Arnie stood about waiting for Helga and Arnold to slide down out of the tall cab. Arnold slammed the car door after Helga had gotten out the pickup's cab.

"Helga, we need to talk!" he said rapidly, glaring at the girl. "Alone!" Before Helga could protest Arnold nabbed her hand and dragged Helga hundred paces off. Arnie could still see them but it was unlikely he could hear what they were saying.

"Helga? What are you doing here?" Arnold demanded, his arms folded together as he stood unflinchingly. "And don't give me that line about Arnie inviting you again!"

"Arnie did invite me, Football-Head!" protested Helga. "He was bragging about his farm and how great it was the last time he visited. It's true he never meant much by it, but I was desperate so when I found out you were leaving for the summer I called him up and got myself invited for real." Helga left out that she snuck into Arnold's room and did his telephone to do so.

"Whatever could have made you so desperate? Is there something going on at home?" Arnold asked, the boy's anger softening a little as he searched Helga's face. She turned her back and paced.

"I guess you could say that Arnoldo! Mom and Dad got this great idea in their head to send me off to summer boot camp with Sergeant Goose although I don't know what I did to deserve that! Somehow they think they'll be doing me the greatest favor, ever. I ditched camp and came out here instead!" said Helga pointing her thumb towards the farmhouse they had not yet entered.

"So you're telling me, that you RAN AWAY?!" said Arnold, his eyes wide and incredulous. "Your parents must be worried sick about you, Helga."

"Nah, they think I'm still at camp with Sergeant Goose!" said Helga. "Relax, Football-Head. "I took care of everything. The camp thinks I'm home with my parents because I was too sick to go after all. So nobody knows I'm missing! It's perfect!"

"Helga!" said Arnold, still flabbergasted. "You need to tell someone where you are right now!"

"You aren't going to squeal on me, are you Football-Head?" asked Helga. The fear on her face was real as she recoiled from Arnold.

"Well, no," said Arnold. He thought. "How about this? You at least tell Phoebe where you are so that if her parents do start looking for you, they can find you. Does that sound fair?"

"If I have to Football-Head, then fine. It's a deal," Helga said offering her hand in a shake. Arnold shook it briefly although his face showed he was still not happy about the whole thing. Not happy at all.

"So," said Arnie as Helga and Arnold walked back into earshot again. "Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine!" Helga answered Arnie a little too shrilly. But Arnie's inexpressive face remained flat of emotion. He snorted loudly as he commonly did.

"You want to see my lintball collection?" Arnie asked looking at Helga. Helga froze in horror temporarily, but then forced her mouth open to give a fake, toothy grin. After all, it was this, or go back home to Hillwood and Sergeant Goose.

"Sure! Lecture away, professor! I'm sure we'll learn something...er… new."

"'Kay," said Arnie. Helga and Arnold followed him up a narrow stair.

Arnie's room was every bit as plain as the boy. The walls were painted white. The bed was a brass frame lifting a single mattress off the floor. The floor was made of wooden boards stretched from end to end of the comfortably-sized room. But the room was barren of art, houseplants, or even furniture. The only other furniture piece than the bed was a tall dresser with eight drawers. Arnie pulled opened one of the smaller drawers on top. It was too high for the kids to see into, so he removed the drawer from the dresser completely and carried it over to the bed to set it in the better light through the single window.

"See?" said Arnie pointing to the lint balls. "I've collected lint from every pair of pants I've ever owned!" The boy then proceeded to point to lint balls of subtly different shades. Helga and Arnold could not help themselves. They recoiled and shared a mutual look of terror while Arnie stooped over his corduroy lint in shades of brown, blue, black, and green. The boy spoke of them like they were a designer clothes collection.

"So," said Arnie after they had dallied over his lint collection twenty minutes too long. "What do you think?"

"Well. It's really.. Interesting," Arnold said politely. Arnie snorted.

"Thanks. You'll want to meet Abigail."

"Great," said Arnie prepared to lead them downstairs.

"Say, Arnie?" Helga asked slyly before they reached the door. "There's one thing. Can I borrow your phone for a minute? You know, to let my folks know I got here okay."

"Okay," was Arnie's response. Arnold pounced on the opportunity.

"You know, I should call my 'folks', too," Arnold mimicked. "To let them know how things are going. How about you wait for us on the porch, Arnie? We'll meet you soon."

"Kay," said Arnie. He blinked, his eyes oddly shutting one full second after the other in perfect insynchronicity. As soon as Arnold's cousin left the room, Arnold sprang for the phone. He snatched the receiver up and covered its earpiece with his hand to dampen the buzzing of the dial tone. Helga paused mid step, agap at Arnold's motion.

"Arnold? What are you doing?" Helga asked, her hands on her hips. Arnold narrowed his eyes at her and glared.

"Just making sure you aren't about to back out of staying here. Helga, I changed my mind. You CAN'T leave me alone here with him!" Arnold said, his anger turning to outright begging. But Helga scoffed and pulled the telephone receiver from his hand.

"Relax, Football-Head! I'm just going to call Phoebe like you wanted."

"Good. That's great," said Arnold, his eyes rounded with relief. "Do you mind if I tell Grandpa, too? He's good at keeping secrets."

"Well, I'll trust to that, Arnoldo. Suit yourself."

"Thanks," said Arnold as Helga punched in the number to Phoebe's house. Helga and Phoebe exchanged excited dialog, briefly, as Arnold waited. Helga hung up and offered him the phone.

"Here ya go! Don't take too long, Arnoldo!" Helga warned. "Your cousin is waiting!"

"Thanks," returned Arnold. He dialed the phone number to the boarding house.

"Hello? Grandpa? It's me, Arnold. I wanted to let you know I'm at Arnie's house. Yeah, I know! No, of course it isn't! Grandpa!" Arnold's eyes narrowed as the sound of laughter carried through the phone and echoed slightly into the room for Helga to hear. "Now look, Grandpa! There's something else I need to tell you. Helga's with me. No, that's right." Arnold paused. He waited for an answer and when it did, the boy's cheeks turned bright red.

"Grandpa!" Arnold scolded the phone, his second hand on his hip. "No I didn't! No I wouldn't! Argh. It's not that funny. Just don't let Helga's parents know unless they know she's missing. For the last time, Grandpa, we're just friends and I didn't kidnap anyone. Argh! Good bye!" Arnold hung up the phone quickly.

"Your Grandpa still poking fun at you?" Helga stated mildly.

"Yeah," said Arnold. "He does like doing that. Ordinarily it doesn't bother me though." Arnold shrugged.

Both phone calls completed, Arnold and Helga hurried out of the house to the front porch. Arnie waited for them on a rocking chair. He snorted, then stood up.

"Let's go," the boy said without preamble. Arnold and Helga followed him over toward the barn.

"This is my pig, Abigail," the boy said blandly. He snorted loudly. Abigail the pig snorted, too. Then Arnie pointed to a blue ribbon nailed onto the edge of the small shed that sheltered Abigail from the hot sun.

"Best of show last year!" Arnie announced proudly. "Sold her piglets for a lot of money."

"You sold her piglets?" Arnold asked, horrified as he leaned against the pen's railing. He could never imagine selling Abner or piglets if he had any.

"Well, it is a farm!" Helga said loudly, grounding Arnold back in painful realism. That was exactly what farms did do. Grow plants and animal for food, not pets.

"Well, so are you going to eat her?" asked Arnold still feeling a bit nervous. He curled one finger uncertainly up to his chin as his imagination went wild. What if tonight's dinner was Abigail ham? Arnie sniffed.

"Probably not," the boy declared. Despite the bland monotone of his voice in general, Arnie did manage to sound annoyed with his city cousin.

"Let's go over to the neighbor's. Fifi raises pigs."

"Fifi?!" asked Arnold. His mind cast back to the nightmare he had once dreamed about Arnie and two girls named Lulu and Hilda. One of the many visitors to his dream had been a girl called Fifi. Arnold hoped that his past nightmare was not coming true.

"I've told you about her before," Arnie complained. Arnold forced a smile.

"Oh yeah. How many students did you say were in your class again?"

"Four," said Arnie with a loud sniff. "Three boys. One girl."

"Well that explains a lot!" quipped Helga, folding her arms. Arnold thought deeply.

"What did you say their names were again?"

"Stumpy, Fifi, and Harry," Arnie listed. "I'm the fourth."

"Of course you are," said Helga so rudely that Arnold gave her light jab in the ribs.

"Ow!" Helga murmured before quieting. Arnie watched the interchange with a frown. Then he walked forward.

"Helga, you can ride with me!" the boy country boy said.

"Ride?" asked Helga with real curiosity. "Ride what?"

It was a long way to even the neighbor's farm house so it made little sense to walk. But Helga was astounded when Arnie opened up one of the barn doors to reveal a Utility ATV with shiny red-orange paint.

"1985 Suzuki LT250EF Quadrunner. V-4 engine, 6 speed transmission with drive shift, water cooled. Five point nine inch ground clearance. Custom backrest."

"Wow!" said Helga. Despite her profound disliking of Arnie, she was so impressed she clasped her hands. Arnold narrowed his eyes at Helga's reaction. Much like a go-cart but with high wheels like a car, it was stunning.

"Here," Arnie said tossing Helga a helmet. With a crazy grin, she strapped it on. Arnie switched on the ATV's engine.

"I'll send Fifi over to pick you up," Arnie promised. He left Arnold behind in a cloud of powdery farm dust. Arnold covered his mouth and coughed once. Then he balled his hands into fists on either side. Without a doubt, Arnie was pushing it!

But before Arnold had decided to jog down the road himself, a smaller, slender, blue ATV showed up to collect him. This must be Fifi, Arnold guessed. But unlike the Fifi of Arnold's imagination, this Fifi did not appear to be oriental at all. Her long black hair was the only thing oriental, and it was too curly to meet the stereotype. She was not a bad looking girl, and Arnold might have crushed on her, if he was not so wrath at his cousin for driving off with Helga!

"Hi. I'm looking for Arnold," said Fifi. Arnold did his best to smile.

"That's me. I'm Arnold."

"Oh!" said Fifi. "I thought you were Arnie!"

"Ah, no, Arnie sent you to come get me remember?" Arnold asked uncertainly.

"Oh, that's right!" said Fifi. "Arnie is waiting by the pigpen. Hop on!" Fifi stated. She patted on the rear of the seat she was on. Arnold was forced to cling onto the girl to avoid falling off the narrow seat. The way this girl drove terrified him. She was just as bad as Phoebe back home, that was for sure! She floored the gas so rapidly he thought he was going to fall off!

Arnold's poor head was still dazed from all the near-death swerves and jumps that encompassed Fifi's driving style when they rolled up next to an enormous barn. There were smaller pens and huts strung out into a long line opposite the barn's gravel boundary. Helga peered into one of the pens at one of these, while Arnie silently watched Helga pace and laugh at one of the piglets expense when it got its head caught in a paper box. But animosity bubbled deep within Arnold's chest. He would not stand there while his cousin admired Helga like a prize-winning mare! When Helga turned to chat with Arnie about something trivial, Arnold ducked down low instead and snaked his way between Helga and his cousin. He stood upright between the two like a wall. Fifi watched the exchange with keen interest.

"Hm," Fifi said as if considering the details of fine art.

Fifi showed them around the farm as promised. Then, out of the blue, two more guests appeared. One of the was a large-headed yet thin, muscular boy on a green dirtbike. That was Harry. The other came on a real live horse. The taller of the two bore a striking resemblance to Stinky Peterson. Arnold stared.

"This is Stumpy. My boyfriend," said Fifi with a sideways glance. She held her hand aloft at this grand unveiling. Arnie sniffed a little louder than usual.

"This is my cousin," Arnie said. "And this is Helga. A friend from Hillwood."

"A friend, hm?" said Fifi with cunning. Helga stood between the two cousins and both were staring with tense interest. Not the relaxed air of 'just friends.'

"Hm, well since we're all here, let's have us a little race!" Fifi announced. "Have you ever ridden before, Arnold?"

"Well, I have ridden a little bit. I was the winning jockey for a racing mule race back in Hillwood," Arnold offered. "Blueboy won!"

"Great!" said Fifi smiling. "Since you're such a hot shot, I'm certain that a little old pig race won't bother you," said Fifi sounding a lot like Lila Sawyer. But more openly obnoxious.

"What's a pig race?" Arnold asked innocently.

"We'll just borrow some of pa's pigs for some sport. My uncle will round them up later," said Fifi.

"Isn't that kind of… wrong?" asked Arnold. Arnie sniffed loud in annoyance.

"Oh Arnold!" said Fifi. "Don't be so prim and proper! My uncle won't mind. Us people out in the country have to have fun somehow! Now, are you in? Or are you scared?"

"Football-Head here ain't scared of anything!" came a sudden shout from Helga. She moved herself to stand toe-to-toe with Fifi, and towered over her for Fifi was about the same height as Phoebe. Fifi glared up at Helga, unflinching.

"Then how about we make this interesting?" said Fifi. "A dare! We'll make today a contest. Whoever wins the most events by sundown gets a kiss. From Helga!" Fifi said with shrewd and evil cunning that would do Helga proud. Helga flushed.

"Me? Kiss anyone? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! No way I'm interested in that mushy stuff!" Helga protested. She tugged at her shirt collar. The very thought of kisses made her temperature skyrocket. What if the one she wound up kissing was Arnold? But what if it was Arnie? Helga almost shuddered with horror at that thought.

"What? Are you scared?" asked Fifi, her eyes narrowed.

"Of course she isn't!" Arnold spoke up, surprising Helga. "Right, Helga?" Arnold looked up at Helga with softer eyes, yet madness swirled within. Arnie and Fifi had brought out his competitive side.

"N..nn..nah! Of course I ain't!" Helga mumbled awkwardly under Arnold's hot gaze.

"Great," said Arnie. The boy gave a loud snort and blinked, all while chewing some gum. "I'm going to win that kiss!" he declared boldly in his odd monotone. Incensed, Arnold curled a fist up at his side and shifted his weight forward to one foot.

"Oh yeah?" said Arnold, his voice taking on an unusual chill. "No way anyone's getting that kiss but me!" The two cousins faced off with one another and Helga gaped. Then Helga's jaw closed. She observed the two boys appreciatively instead.

"Wow, this is getting interesting!" Helga declared close to a cruel cackle. Arms crossed, Fifi nodded behind her like a devilish version of Phoebe Heyerdahl.


	3. Chapter 3

Fifi, Stumpy, Harry, Arnold, Helga, and Arnie all moved over to a set of pigpens containing two equally enormous, equally ugly old hogs. Fifi patted one of them on the flat of its nose. "Meet Mudslide and Soybean. Pick your mount, boys!" Arnold regarded the hog nearest to him. It had a bit of a black spot on it scraggly gray coat. But its nose and chin were as pink as if it had been balding.

"What's the nose ring, for?" asked Arnold, observing a ring of shiny metal dangling from both of the animal's noses.

"To control them, of course," said Fifi. "The nose is sensitive. Just grab the nose ring and the pig will follow you anywhere! Like the mouthbit in a horse's mouth. Not that it will help you any in the race! Just get on and try not to fall off. For as long as is humanly possible," the girl ended, narrowing her eyes.

"Oh. Alright," said Arnold. Arnold made a mental note never to get a piercing. Helga would never be able to resist twisting it the wrong way. Then, Arnold pointed to the pig with a spot on its back.

"That one's Soybean," Fifi explained. "Now hop on and we'll get this race started!"

Arnold climbed up the wooden rail of the pen. He watched his cousin boldly slide off the fence to plop down onto the pig's broad back. To stay on the startled, squealing pig, Arnie wrapped both arms around its neck. Trying to ignore the smell, Arnold did the same. The pig was none too pleased. It snorted angrily.

"Nice piggy, good piggy," Arnold mumbled, hoping in vain to make peace with the animal.

"Ready, set, go!" Arnold could hear Fifi. Fifi and Stumpie unlatched the two pig pens. Soybean broke out into a run with a savage jolt. It ran squealing out into the farm road.

"Squee! Squeee!" the pig belted out as it barreled down the lane. Within a few footfalls, Arnie rode Mudslide- so named because this pig was brown. The two hogs glared at one another as they rounded a fence corner. Cross at each other and the world, the angry hogs rammed into one another's shoulders. It almost shook Arnold off! But then both pigs came to a gulch and the pigs leapt down and across it. Arnold and Arnie both came up from the muddy gulch to glare at one another before Soybean the pig kicked up his heels and managed to throw Arnold off. The boy stood up in muddy defeat.

"Ow," said Arnold, satisfied at least that he had tried. But Arnie held tight to Mudslide for so long, the pig stopped running and stood still, snuffling its nose instead.

"King of the pigs!" Arnie said in his standard monotone. He snorted and Arnold grimaced, mud dripping off his hands and the tips of his hair. He looked off into the distance at Soybean, who had hidden himself behind a log on the landscape and was rooting happily.

"So how are we going to get him back?" Arnold asked Fifi when she was done putting Mudslide away. Fifi put a hand on her hip and rolled her mascaraed eyes.

"Oh, Arnold! You're such a worrywart! If it really bothers you that badly, we'll catch him!" announced Fifi. She disappeared inside the barn for a few minutes then returned with a long leash in her hand. At the end of the leash was a pretty pink pig with a crinkly yellow bow around its neck. Soybean looked out from behind the log and began to run towards the lady pig. With a saucy smile on both the pig and the girl, Fifi walked her charge back into the barn. Soybean barreled through the barn door and Fifi strutted out. She closed the barn door behind her with a snap.

"So what now?" Arnold asked Fifi as she walked up between him and Arnie with a broad smile. Fifi put a finger up to her chin in thought.

"Oh, I expect there'll be piglets!" she announced. Arnold blushed.

"No, not that!" he said shaking his head as Helga walked up behind him, silent but intent in her study of all the people talking.

"The next race," said Arnie, snorting.

"How about we use horses this time?" said Arnie pointing to Stumpy's horse. Arnie kept his arms folded.

"Deal," he sniffed.

Stumpy's ranch had a lot of horses instead of pigs. Mostly they wandered in pasture but there were a few in a barn beside a dusty exercise track. Arnold waited on the oval track while Stumpy returned with a second horse.

"Here," he said handing reins to Arnold. "You ride ol' Harbinger! Make it a dang good race!" the boy declared, almost indistinguishable from Stinky Peterson. Arnold looked up at the horse and patted it, trying to make friends. He admired its rippling black coat.

Arnie climbed on board Stumpy's favorite horse, Golden Beauty, then paused. Arnold tensed beside him, waiting for a starting signal to the race. Harry whistled and waved a bandana and they were off! Arnold lay low on Harbinger's neck, whispering encouragements and his hopes. He just had to beat Arnie this time!

Nimble hooves pounded down the turf. Harbinger was neck and neck with Golden Beauty. Then Arnold twisted in the saddle and brought the reins to the side. He angled Harbinger just in front of Golden Beauty so that the light colored horse was blocked unless he passed wide. Harbinger's tail whipped the ends of Golden Beauty's nose.

Helga, Fifi, Stumpy, and Harry cheered as Arnold won the horse race. They waited in patience while he and Arnie slowed their mounts and returned to the finish line.

"Wow, Arnold, there could be a bit of farmboy in you, yet!" approved Stumpy. Arnold took off his helmet.

"Thanks," the golden-haired boy said, a small smile of content curving the corner of his face. He looked down at Helga to see what she thought of his victory.

"Wow, that was incredible!" Helga praised with honest fervor. Arnold's smile grew broad. Then he glanced back towards Arnie. His eyes narrowed and the two wordlessly reestablished their challenge.

"So? What's the next contest?" Arnold asked, his eyes still locked with Arnie's.

The afternoon was long and filled with yet more challenges! First there was fishing. They all went down to their favorite swimming hole and went after the 'legendary carp of doom'. Arnold thought he had the contest all wrapped up when he hooked the monster! But then, as he held it up for Fifi to view, Arnie's line shook. The surface of the water exploded and Arnie reeled in a fish even larger than the one he had caught!

"What's that?!" Harry gawked.

"I reckon that's the Missus," Stumpy replied. Arnold frowned as Arnie paddled by in a rowboat holding up the carp.

"My fish is bigger than yours," Arnie declared in victory. Arnold grimaced.

But the next contest was swimming and as sure of himself as Arnie was to win, Arnold was no mere beginner to a pool. He dug his arms into the water and pulled himself along in rapid strokes until he had crossed the river, then back across it to win. Arnold shook his fists above his head in victory as the water dripped from his mop of hair.

"Yeah!" Arnold cheered.

"Well," said Fifi when Arnold's hair had sproing back into an upright position. "That's two wins for you and and two wins for Arnie! The sun is going down soon so there's time for one more contest."

"Baseball!" Arnold declared, leaning forward on one foot as he glared his challenge at Arnie. Arnie's only response was to keep chewing his gum. But Helga rolled her eyes.

"There's not enough players for a game of baseball, genius!"

"Hm, how about basketball?" said Stumpy surprising Arnold and Helga with the intelligent suggestion. "That is precisely what the game was invented for! A minimum of players started with an 'ol peach basket!"

"Well," said Arnold rolling his eyes back in thought. "Then I pick Harry for my team!"

"I get Stumpy," said Arnie with a loud sniff.

"And I'll play for the Football-Head!" said Helga laying a hand on Arnold's shoulder as she jerked a thumb towards her proud self.

"You can't do that!" provoked Fifi. "You're the prize!"

"Hey, Miss Sunshine, I can do anything I want to!" said Helga. "Basketball is my game! Besides, somebody's got to be on Arnold's court! 'You'all' are all friends!"

"True," said Fifi. "Alright. You'll play for Arnold."

"Great," said Helga. She shook Fifi's hand in agreement.

It was true. Basketball was Helga's game. Although Arnold had seldom seen her play it, Helga had been part of the junior girl's basketball league at the YMAA just as Arnold tried to be part of the boy's. She was extremely good at dribbling, he knew.

"Just you wait!" said Helga to Arnold as they stood on the court waiting for the game to start. "I'll probably go to college on a basketball scholarship someday! Then I'll get so famous they'll make kid's toys for burger meals with my likeness on them!"

"Sure thing, Helga," said Arnold right before the ball was shuffled into play.

The game was on. And a whole lot was on the line. Arnie played for Helga's kiss. But Helga, well she played for Arnold and for herself! She ripped into the court like a Valkyrie, shuffling side to side, lifting up into the air with her long legs and scoring hoop after hoop. She shuffled the ball between herself and Arnold successfully and the boy dropped the shot in with perfect precision.

"Wow," said Fifi panting. "You're pretty good!"

"Yeah. Well, Helga and I are used to playing on the same team," said Arnold spinning the basketball on his finger for show before passing it. Helga scored again.

But Harry was not helpful when they did pass the ball to him once. He dropped it, and soon the game shifted in favor to Arnie, Stumpy, and Fifi. They were not shabby basketball players themselves. Stumpy's height gave him an advantage and he missed no shots. Finally, as the sun began to fade behind the flat earth in a dull red, the game was tied.

"Sundown," said Fifi with all the menace of a vampiress. "One last score and the contest is decided, Arnold!" Arnold paled. But he narrowed his eyes, determined.

When the ball was passed, Arnold leapt forcefully for it. He batted it out of Stumpy's hands and almost tripped as all of the locals fought to regain it. Nearly, encircled, Arnold jogged a few steps then passed the ball to Helga as he was completely surrounded. Arnie stared at Helga as she paused. She stared back, her face awash with a touch of guilt at his sadness. But then her face washed with determination and her eyes rolled down with her eyebrow- stern, powerful! Dribbling gracefully, Helga wove down the court and bounded up to the rim to score the shot. Then, panting, she jogged back to Arnold.

"Whew!" she said flicking the sweaty bangs from her eyes with one finger. "That was some game, huh Arnoldo?" She offered her hands in a downwards congratulatory slap and Arnold met hers. The loud thump echoed across the courtyard.

"Yeah!" Helga continued on. "That's to show you who knows how to play basketball! Me!" said Helga gesturing towards herself again as she grinned a wicked smile. Fifi interrupted Helga's self congratulations.

"Helga. That means that as promised, you've got to kiss Arnold!" Helga's joy turned in a nervous chuckle.

"Me? Kiss Arnold?" Helga muttered, tugging on her shirt collar. "Don't be silly! Well if I've really gotta, I could… I could….."

Helga turned. She could not force her feelings aside anymore. Kiss Arnold! She trembled and her brow lifted up in exquisite anguish as she fought for control of herself. There were so many people watching! In only a few moments, she would have to turn and kiss Arnold without taking it too far. Helga's heart pounded so much, so could tear the shirt off the boy! She shivered, mumbling out under her breath a few more incoherent ramblings.

"Wait!" said Arnold, suddenly tense himself. He lifted up his watch and set the timer for one minute.

"What are you doing?" asked Fifi, curious.

"Just setting some boundaries!" said Arnold. "You can kiss me Helga, but for only one minute. Okay?" the boy said, his eyes a bit fearful as Helga whirled around and prowled near. Helga thrust her nose up against his.

"One minute," she purred before mashing her lips to his with a loud, "mmm!" The timer on Arnold's watch went off, and she struggled to rip herself away from Arnold, panting. Arnold had surprised Helga by reaching back with own arms, and as Helga broke her embrace, so did he.

"Right," Arnold said, his arms folded behind his back. "That's good. We don't want to let this get out of control."

"Like that night," said Helga lifting up a hand to her lips to touch them. "The moonlight! The sound of sirens wailing!" Longing hot in her breath, Helga shuffled a step forward and Arnold darted away to hide behind his cousin and his friends. They all stared wide-eyed and a bit confused as Arnold peered round them. Arnold smiled nervously at Helga.

"I thought we agreed that never happened!" he smirked. Helga snapped.

"That does it!" said Helga knotting up her hand into a fist and shaking it at Arnold. "I'm going to beat ya so bad your grandchildren will feel the pain!" But as furious as Helga was, she didn't chase after Arnold when he ran away in terror. So Helga folded her arms instead as Fifi approached.

"Stupid Football-Head!" was Helga's only explanation of her behavior as the country girl regarded her curiously.

"Well, that didn't turn out like I thought it would," said Fifi. "You could have lost on purpose, you know."

"Nah," said Helga reaching up to check on her bow. She tugged its twin loops to snug the knot. "I couldn't do that."

"So," said Fifi as the conversation lagged. "What do you want to do now?"

"What do you mean?" asked Helga, smiling down at this Phoebe look-alike. "The contest's over!"

"But the night is still young!" returned Fifi. "Do you want to go see a movie?"

"A movie, huh?" asked Helga. "Do you even have a movie theatre out here?"

"No," said Fifi. "We'd have to drive into the city. But we do have a really large television over at my place. Do you like horror films?"

"Horror films?" asked Helga, her brow furrowing before it lifted with delight. She grinned. "I love horror films!"

"Great!" said Fifi smiling up at Helga and grasping her hands to tug her along. "Come on!" she declared to all the others present. "And Stumpy! Get Arnold out of that tree!"

"Yes, darlin'!" Stumpy said before going to shake Arnold down from his hiding place.


	4. Chapter 4

Fifi's home entertainment center wasn't the best ever. But seated on the living room floor looking up at the television from up close, it was almost like being at the movie theatre. At the conclusion of their contest, Arnie and Arnold got along curiously well. Arnie sat beside his cousin with an almost sympathetic look while Helga and Fifi sat together giggling. Harry passed tubs of popcorn around. Then Stumpy came around with some chilled Yahoo sodas. Helga and Fifi popped the lid tops and then clinked the edges of their bottles together in celebration of a new friendship.

"So what are we watching?" asked Helga.

"Alien Invaders Versus Tractor-Man, Three!" said Fifi. "Do you like sci-fi's?"

"Well, alien movies aren't exactly my favorite after I was mistaken for one, once," said Helga. "I have Arnold partly to thank for that!" said Helga scowling in his direction.

"Hey. I said I was sorry!" said Arnold looking up from his soda.

"I'll have to tell you all about that later!" promised Helga. "For now, tell me about Alien Invaders Versus Tractor-Man movies one and three! I've never seen any of them!" Helga kicked her heels as she waited for the pre-film commercials to pass.

"You've never seen any of them!" said Fifi. She hopped up and stopped the videotape. Then she switched it to a new one. "Movie marathon!" she sung as the first film in the series began to play.

It was nearly midnight when Fifi dropped Helga off in front of Arnie's farm house. The two girls had hit it off so well, Helga hugged the friendly girl back. Then she waved as Phoebe's wicked dopelganger drove away so reckless that Arnold was quite sure she hit a rabbit. He flinched.

Arnie had given his cousin a ride home, begrudgingly. But the girls had niched and there was nothing they could do about it. Girls would be girls.

"Whew!" said Helga stretching her arms out above her head in the moonlight. "The country is a blast! Thanks for inviting me, Arnie! Ya know, you're all right! And your friends are rocking awesome in their own weird little way."

"Thanks," Arnie said softly. "It's late. We should get to bed. Walk softly or you'll wake up Ma and Pa."

It was the longest stretch of words Helga had ever heard Arnie speak. She tiptoed in and found her cot in the kitchen by the stove. It was the most comfortable place in the farmhouse, considering. Poor Arnold had to sleep up in Arnie's room with his cousin snuffling and sniffing all night. But all lights went off in the farmhouse eventually.

The week following that first eventful day was not nearly so exciting as the first. Mostly, it was full of farm chores. Like collecting chicken eggs. And Helga discovered chickens did not like her any better than pigeons did. They played as many nasty tricks as they could so she would not find their eggs and put them in a little wicker basket. Arnold followed Arnie around the farm watching his cousin do farm work. But in afternoons, more often than not, they all washed up, then went over to Fifi's pig ranch to hang out. Once or twice, Arnie's pa drove them all into town. Time passed, and by some miracle, Helga's scheme in coming here instead of camp was not found out.

The morning light was streaming radiantly one day when Fifi paced slowly up to Helga. From yards away, Fifi could see the city girl lift the red flag attached to the side of a mailbox to the 'up' position. Helga was in the process of opening Arnie's mailbox to put a letter inside when Fifi approached.

"Whatcha doing?" said Fifi leaning over to see what Helga held in her hand. It was a photograph of Arnold and Arnie, with Helga standing between the two boys. One hand was on Arnie's shoulder while her back leg curved against Arnold's.

"Oh, just sending a little present to my friend, Lila," said Helga. Helga's eyes were shifty. She flipped the stiff photo print over to reveal a stamp, an address, and a postscript.

"You wish you were here," Fifi read with a smile. "Ooh. You're bad!"

"I know!" said Helga chuckling as she slammed the postbox shut.

"So what do you want to do today?" Helga asked Fifi. Fifi dwelt long in thought. "Well, we could go out and see crop circles!" Fifi declared. "Unless you're scared that is!" she challenged. Helga's wide unibrow twisted up at one side.

"Crop circles?" she asked. "What the heck are you talking about?"

"Well," said Fifi. "It's a well kept country secret that Farmer Jenkins five farms down the road has a space alien problem. He gets crop circles in his corn field every year! And it's caused by aliens!" Fifi pressed close to Helga. She stared deep into the blond-haired girl's eyes, waiting for her reaction.

"Ha!" Helga laughed. "Aliens! As if! Do you really believe in all that nonsense?" Helga pretended to brush imaginary dirt over her arm, then crossed her arms.

"Well, if aliens aren't real, then you shouldn't have any problem if we go see the crop circles!" declared Fifi. Helga considered it.

"Well, alright," she said with a shrug before shaking her head. "But I'm telling you, aliens aren't real!"

"We'll see!" said Fifi with a smile.

Harry and Stumpy were already waiting at Fifi's house. The wavy, black-haired girl in slim, blue plaid top, short blue jean shorts, and army boots twisted her hips jauntily. All of her friends had been gathered, and now it was time for a grand outing. Fifi smiled in victory.

"Let's go!" she said swinging aboard her ATV. Helga put on a helmet and climbed on board. Fifi reved it into high speed.

"Wow," said Arnold, descending from Arnie's ATV. "Helga and Fifi sure are getting along great!"

"Yup," said Arnie. He blinked one eye, then the other in his odd way. Arnold set his helmet down and wandered away into the cornfield they had come to see.

"So where are the aliens?" Helga scoffed. Arms folded, she looked all around her.

"Hiding," Fifi tossed lightly. "But look! They have left their sign in the corn! See where all of this is flattened? It's a symbol!" Fifi gestured all around them. In places, the sunny green rows of corn remained standing, a vivid jungle. But in the others, the newly crushed stalked lay along the ground.

"I told you she wasn't smart," Arnie said. He snorted loudly. Arnold stared backwards towards Arnie. For once, he had to agree with his cousin. Arnold walked out into the damaged corn field, his hands waving on either side as he walked. Arnold walked up to Helga as she stared all around her.

"Hey," said Arnold standing beside Helga. His eyes flickered along the ground in awkwardness for a moment. Then he pointed into a narrow row carved out in the cornfield, as thin as an indoor hallway. "Look? Do you wanna explore down there?" Helga stopped her staring all around to gaze back towards him.

"Sure thing, Arnoldo," Helga answered with a soft smile. Together, they walked out into the thin trek between softly rippling sheaths of corn. The grove grew narrow and Arnold and Helga were forced to walk shoulder to shoulder to stay side by side.

"Well, that's the end of it!" said Helga, squaring her feet as she faced off the end of the narrow trail. "Nothin'. And NO space aliens!" She whipped round to look back towards Arnold. But just then, a peculiar breathing sound began to be heard.

"Koff-ha, koff-ha!"

A wheezing sound came from behind Helga and her eyes grew as round as teacup saucers. Helga put a hand up to her lips and bit her nails. But then, the wheezing sound grew nearer! When it was almost over her shoulder, she narrowed her eyes. Eyebrows dark with rage and lips downturned into a scowl, Helga whipped her fist out behind her shoulder and was satisfied by a very familiar, "crack!"

"BRAINY?!" Helga and Arnold both shouted at Brainy as they stood over the boy with glasses. "What are you doing here?" Weakly, Brainy sat up and put his cracked glasses back on his nose.

"Uh. Something," Brainy mumbled.

"Oh, well!" said Helga. "Do you need a ride back to town?"

"Uh, yeah!" said Brainy. Fifi's relatives arranged a ride back into town for Brainy, although no one knew how or why the boy had gotten there.

"Well," said Fifi when she had returned to her friends. "How about we all camp here and have a bonfire? Then we can all keep a lookout for aliens! I brought some hotdogs and marshmallows!" Fifi pulled a small cooler from the floor of her ATV and opened it. Everything they needed for a cookout was inside.

"I'm game," said Helga catching a Yahoo soda as it was tossed to her. Although no one was terribly enthused about spending the night out in the open cornfield, the weather was priceless. The boys reluctantly agreed.

After several trips back and forth in preparation, Fifi set up an ample campsite. With no mountains between the field and sky, the sun vanished quickly. Arnold lay out on his bedroll, feeling the earth cool beneath him. He kept his hands cupped behind his head as Helga, too, stared up at the blossoming night sky.

"It's so.. Different," said Arnold. "Look at all those stars! I don't think I've ever seen so many in my life!"

"Yeah," said Helga. "Yeah, it is different, Football-Head!" Arnold crooked his brow, then exhaled slowly, at peace.

"Well, at least one thing hasn't changed," Arnold said. "I never would have expected that name to follow me all the way out here!"

"You'll never stop being a Football-Head!" said Helga. She sat up with a grin and punched Arnold softly on his shoulder. But then her smile vanished as she looked around.

"Say, Arnold? Where did the others go?" Arnold sat up in a blink.

"I don't know," Arnold said looking all around him. Just then, they heard a crunch in the corn. Two, glowing hands reached out from behind the cornstalks.

"Arnold!" Helga squeaked. "Run!" Helga leapt to her feet and ran down the open circle in the field of corn to its other side. But two more pairs of glowing hands reached out from the corn. Then two figures wrapped in sheets stumbled out. One figure lifted its head to reveal a green face and two enormous, black, soul-less eyes!

"AAAAHHHEEEEIIIGGGHHHH!" came Helga's high-pitched scream from behind Arnold. His ear was falling off, but the boy had more pressing concerns. Like running. He and Helga both scuttled back in the direction they had come and found themselves pressed in on three sides by glowing aliens before Arnold snatched Helga's hand and they both plowed off it the corn. They were just small enough to snake through the rows without running over every plant.

"Look!" said Arnold. Up ahead was a farm house. It was Farmer Jenkin's no doubt, and both Arnold and Helga pounded on his door. But no one answered.

"AAAAHHHEEEEIIIGGGHHHH!" Helga screamed again as four figures stumbled out of the corn field and lurched towards them. Arnold's hair stood on end. Then the figures suddenly stopped their advance.

"Relax!" said Fifi pulling off her mask. "It's just us! You should have seen the look on your faces! It was so funny!" She held her stomach in painful laughter.

"Very funny, Fifi!" said Helga glaring. She stalked up to Fifi and snatched the mask out of her hand, then glared at it, too, with a touch of curiosity.

"Where'd you get the paint?" asked Arnold walking closer. Fifi dusted some off.

"It's powder!" she explained. Stumpy snicked.

"We sure had ya fooled!" the country boy said.

"Yeah!" said Harry. "You were so scared I thought you were gonna run home and and call your mommy!"

"Not likely," Arnold said, his hands on his hips as he looked at Helga. She returned his look with a sympathetic, knowing expression. There was no way Harry knew Arnold's parents had been missing for years.

"Well," said Arnold stretching out the mask after Helga had handed it off to him. "You've had your fun! Now can we all go home? Back to the farm house, anyway?"

"What? Are you still creeped out?" said Fifi with a wicked smile.

"More like tired," said Arnold, his eyes narrowed and annoyed.

"We won't bother you anymore," said Fifi. "We promise!"

"Right," said Arnold. His voice was disbelieving, but he followed after the others as they returned to their campsite in the middle of the clearing.

"Helga," said Arnold long after the event. "We've been here three weeks. Don't you think we should, uh, both go home early just in case? We don't want your parents to find out you've been here all summer! What if your camp lets out early? Or your parents call the administrators about the bus? A hundred, million things could happen!" Arnold rationalized. But Helga waved a hand at him.

"Oh, Arnold! Don't worry! If it makes you feel better, we'll leave! But I want to go to the barn dance in the middle of the week first! It sounds exciting!" Helga fastened a necklace around her neck by its clasp and admired herself in a mirror in Arnie's living room.

"Right. Well. Great," said Arnold. "I'll talk to Arnie's parents about it."

"It's settled then," said Helga admiring herself in the mirror still from multiple angles. "We'll buy bus tickets for the day after the party!"

The barn dance Arnie had promised was going to be great thing. The children were all going to be there, but mainly the grownups- all the farmers from the region- would be showing up eat and drink and listen to live music. Harry's family barn was painted with a fresh coat of brick-red paint for the occasion. Arnold and Helga helped Harry paint. They both wore old overalls to try to keep their clothes from getting dirty, but Helga defied the effort to stay clean. When Arnold wasn't wary, she leaned down from her ladder and brushed him on the nose with her paintbrush.

"Gotcha, Football-Head!" she said in glee as Arnold felt rather than saw the paint on his nose. But after that, they managed to get the barn done. The three stood in front of their painting work, proudly.

"My Aunt from the city is getting married here," said Harry surprising the two of them. "Right before the dance! Do you want to come?"

"Sure," said Arnold, as polite as ever. "But what do I wear? I didn't pack a suit!"

"Just dress clean!" said Harry. "No paint."

Two days later, Arnold and Helga followed a crowd of some forty-some grownups to an arbor set outside the barn on a green, grassy lawn. The sun was bright overhead. Arnold had worn had red plaid shirt without the blue sweatshirt on top to match Stumpy, Harry, and Arnie with their own plaids of varied colors. So astonishingly, he seemed to fit in. Helga wore her pink thin strap dress for the occasion and a pretty necklace of gold besides her usual ribbon. Most of the people attending wore boots. Some of these boots were cowboy-style, while others the expensive utility boots of the construction industry. Only the bride and groom wore shoes meant for walking indoors.

"Hooray!" said the crowd as the couple agreed to their vows. As the bride prepared to throw her bouquet, Arnold looked toward Helga with a grin.

"I bet you'll faint again," he said.

"Ha!" Helga scoffed. "I won't!" There was little chance the bouquet would fall her way anyway. They were at the back of a sizeable crowd. But the bride tossed her bouquet high up in the air and a sudden wind gusted it much farther than expected. Helga paled as it dropped straight down into her arms. She fainted.

"Caught ya again!" said Arnold with a wide smirk. "See? I told you so!"

"I didn't faint!" Helga protested. "I slipped!"

"Right," said Arnold pulling the flower bouquet free from her hand and setting it down on folding steel chair. "Let's go get something to eat!"

The music for the barn dance started up just as the sun went down behind the flat horizon. It was a country band. Arnie danced a weird little shuffle and Fifi bounced up and down beside her boyfriend Stumpy as he swayed. For a time, the grownups had the children clear the floor as the band led a formal dance with much looping of arms and spinning in lines, circles, or boxes. Arnold stared at the choreography.

"Eugene would love to be here," said Arnold. Helga absorbed the comment. Fifi floated up to Arnold and Helga along with the others, wearing a blue, breezy gown.

"So, Arnold!" Fifi fluttered. "How do you like the music?" Arnold shrugged.

"It's okay, I guess," said the boy.

"Shucks," said Stumpy. "That's cause you're a city boy! You just plain don't appreciate country music!" Arnold gave a sigh. Then he reached into the pocket of his red plaid shirt.

"I appreciate country music just fine!" he said pulling out the paper cover torn from a cd case. He offered it to Stumpy.

"A cd cover for Mr. Hyunh? Sure, I remember that singer! He sure was fine. You'all must be a big fan of his or somethin'!"

"Ahem!" said Arnold coughing into his curled fist before he tucked it behind him. "Read the back cover."

"Mr. Hyunh," Stumpy read with his thick southern drawl. "Country singer! Agents and Professional Country Music Sales Representatives, Gerald Johanssen and Arnold Shortman," Stumpy finished reading. "Willikers!" Helga smiled coyly beside Arnold.

"Finally got one up on your cousin, after all, huh?" she said as Arnold gave back a sly smile.

"Maybe," Arnold admitted quietly.

The barn dance was a lot of fun after all, and it was their final goodbye to their new friends. Helga didn't know if she'd ever see Fifi again but she promised to write. Then, the next day, Arnold and Helga boarded the bus headed back toward Hillwood. They both thanked Arnie and waved goodbye. The country boy waved back with a final sniff. Then Arnold saw a familiar figure standing on the sidewalk. It was Brainy, wearing a red sweater.

"Oh, hi Brainy," Arnold said as Brainy took a seat in the aisle across from them. He was still a number of seats away, so Arnold spoke quietly to Helga.

"I still don't understand how Brainy ended up in that field of corn," Arnold speculated.

"Me, either!" answered Helga. "But there are still a lot of things I don't understand about that boy!"

The two of them ignored Brainy as they rode the bus for hours more. At long last, the bus rolled into the station at Hillwood and Arnold and Helga carefully carried their suitcases down the flight of bus steps. Brainy walked away down the street ahead of them into the distance. The minute he disappeared from view, Arnold and Helga were startled to see Brainy walking TOWARDS them down the sidewalk with an ice cream cone in his hand and wearing a GREEN sweater instead of a red one. Helga's eyes bugged wide.

"Uh, Arnold?" said Helga biting the nails of one hand. Maybe Fifi wasn't so crazy after all! Maybe aliens were real! "What is Brainy doing HERE?!" she trilled out. But Arnold's hair was standing on end and he shook his head.

"I don't want to know!" the boy said. "I REALLY don't want to know!" The end.


End file.
